he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
