i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
