The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
