my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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