I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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