I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
