it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
