I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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