Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
