Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
