FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
