I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
True strength comes from lack of pants
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
