and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
