i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
