i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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