Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize