things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
