You smell like stripper and shame
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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