The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize