happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Welp...herpes.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
did i walk over a car last night?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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