Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
