Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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