be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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