you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
