Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
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