The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
