If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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