I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
