If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
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