I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
