I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
