If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
