I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize