he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize