I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
