Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
