i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
