Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
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