Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
false alarm, still single
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
