Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
porn star boner night. come get it.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
