Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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