you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
