Just cropdusted the office
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
