I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
