Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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