i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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