End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize