I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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