there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
