pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
