I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
where are you?
Hypothermia
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
