My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I love you. Go after that dick
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
