My liver just broke up with me...
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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