I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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