i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
