let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
