Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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