My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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